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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Decisions, Decisions...

See, what happened was....

That's how many of my friends start conversations and we laugh right from the beginning.  But sometimes it's true and there isn't anyone here just now to laugh so that's just how I'm starting this particular blog post.

See, what happened was life came at me the past few weeks pretty hard. Lots of new things, both good and bad, and I have been forced (albeit involuntarily) to make some decisions.  I am the worst decision maker.  I make a wishy washy politician look firm and absolute.

I am constantly weighing the "what-if" and the "in-case of" that I end up blowing the whole situation out of proportion. Seriously, it gives me nightmares at the thought of being an emergency room doctor and have to make split second decisions that mean another person's life.

What did I do? I ignored all of my impending decisions and pretended to mull them over.  It was a lie.  I was totally running away from making the necessary decisions. What if I chose wrong?!?  What are the repercussions of my choices? I kept going in this circular argument internally and opted to just... not decide.

But here's the thing I learned the past few days; Not making a decision is defiantly the wrong decision.  Making a decision, be it right or wrong, shows fortitude, bravery and an acceptance of self and the situation.  I am obviously lacking in all of the above areas.

But in writing Earth's Magick, Mela makes some pretty serious decisions and sometimes quickly. How was I able to do that?  Yes, I had made some of them for her ahead of time but sometimes when the imaginary friends are front and center they take control.  Is she my alter ego?  Sort of , but not really.  She is introduced as a slightly bitter and judgemental person. I don't think I am either.  But she is so strong to make her decisions and live by them- come what may.

Mela is able to see a dark and mysterious fate ahead of her and she chooses to follow it. Why? Because it was what felt natural to her.  That little voice in her head, the tingling sensation she felt creep up her back, the signs, the dreams, all of it helped her.  Why can't it help me?

Because I don't listen.

After quiet moments of reflection I realized that I  have had the answers I was looking for.  I was afraid to dissect the situation and face what could possibly be a reflection of myself that I didn't like.  Mela does it and I should learn from her.

Making a decision, for me, should always be deciding to actually MAKE the decision first. Then decide what inner voice I am going to listen to.  I am going to be quiet and reflect.  I am going to allow myself to see myself as I am and in an honest light. So hard to do.

But I have decided to do it.

Next decision?

What snack to have.

After that?

Where will Mela go from here?

I have decided. ;-)