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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Decisions, Decisions...

See, what happened was....

That's how many of my friends start conversations and we laugh right from the beginning.  But sometimes it's true and there isn't anyone here just now to laugh so that's just how I'm starting this particular blog post.

See, what happened was life came at me the past few weeks pretty hard. Lots of new things, both good and bad, and I have been forced (albeit involuntarily) to make some decisions.  I am the worst decision maker.  I make a wishy washy politician look firm and absolute.

I am constantly weighing the "what-if" and the "in-case of" that I end up blowing the whole situation out of proportion. Seriously, it gives me nightmares at the thought of being an emergency room doctor and have to make split second decisions that mean another person's life.

What did I do? I ignored all of my impending decisions and pretended to mull them over.  It was a lie.  I was totally running away from making the necessary decisions. What if I chose wrong?!?  What are the repercussions of my choices? I kept going in this circular argument internally and opted to just... not decide.

But here's the thing I learned the past few days; Not making a decision is defiantly the wrong decision.  Making a decision, be it right or wrong, shows fortitude, bravery and an acceptance of self and the situation.  I am obviously lacking in all of the above areas.

But in writing Earth's Magick, Mela makes some pretty serious decisions and sometimes quickly. How was I able to do that?  Yes, I had made some of them for her ahead of time but sometimes when the imaginary friends are front and center they take control.  Is she my alter ego?  Sort of , but not really.  She is introduced as a slightly bitter and judgemental person. I don't think I am either.  But she is so strong to make her decisions and live by them- come what may.

Mela is able to see a dark and mysterious fate ahead of her and she chooses to follow it. Why? Because it was what felt natural to her.  That little voice in her head, the tingling sensation she felt creep up her back, the signs, the dreams, all of it helped her.  Why can't it help me?

Because I don't listen.

After quiet moments of reflection I realized that I  have had the answers I was looking for.  I was afraid to dissect the situation and face what could possibly be a reflection of myself that I didn't like.  Mela does it and I should learn from her.

Making a decision, for me, should always be deciding to actually MAKE the decision first. Then decide what inner voice I am going to listen to.  I am going to be quiet and reflect.  I am going to allow myself to see myself as I am and in an honest light. So hard to do.

But I have decided to do it.

Next decision?

What snack to have.

After that?

Where will Mela go from here?

I have decided. ;-)

Monday, September 19, 2011

Fear and the darkness in all of us...

I was standing outside smoking (I know, I know) late the other night.  The moon was in the sky casting a surreal glow on everything.  The light was muted by the time it reached my backyard and therefore made everything cast these wicked shadows.

I turned around and saw a shadow on the side of the house.  For just a moment my heart hammered in my chest.  It was a head, shoulders and very tall.  I stood staring at the shadow.  It was so big and at an angle that someone had to be standing behind my greenhouse, right?  Wrong.  It was me.  A funky trick of the light.

It occurred to me that I was afraid of my own shadow... that made me giggle a bit. How cliche, right? But an interesting thought.

As I write about Mela Malone and her scary and magical journey I have dealt with a lot of my own fears and prejudices along the way.  Her teacher and mentor's name is Sammuele.  He has embodied the duality of man, so to speak.  He has potential for greatness and darkness.  It is his choices that makes him who and what he is.  He chooses to help Mela.  He chooses to use his abilities (power) in certain situations and in others he doesn't. Why?

He, like us, fears himself . Not our whole selves but that piece within all of us that has the potential to do bad things.

I think we are all capable of doing horrible things - just watch the news.  But we are also capable of greatness. Fear can make us choose one way or another.  Fear of action, or complacency, can create a horrible situation. Fear and the wrong action can create an even worse situation.

How to sort through that though?

Acceptance of fear.  Faced with decisions that produce any amount of fear can make me run on "autopilot".  I will look back on a situation and think, "That was such a stupid thing to do." Had I a handle on my fears, embraced and accepted them, I could have categorized my emotions and made better decisions.  Is that even possible?  Perhaps with time. Master of your own feelings and all that seems a silly thing but I look around and see people making decisions, followed by knee-jerk reactions, based out of fear.  Fear of rejection, betrayal, pain and of the unknown.

On the flip side of that - understanding why people do things to you is just as important. I try (Note: I said try.) to sort through why a person is doing something that negatively effects me.  Like I have said before, I think people are genuinely good.  But fear induced actions create fear induced reactions. Ugly cycle that.

Fear is natural and should be given it's due.  To have no fear would be a monstrous thing.  Recognizing it, owning it and not letting it rule our decisions or reactions would make us more open to the goodness in people.  Thus, shedding some light on what we interpret as darkness in people.

In my case, instead of assuming some unknown man was lurking behind my greenhouse waiting to pounce on me - I should have considered the obvious.  My knee-jerk reaction was fear and my little heart just went to hammering.

It was just my "dark side" come out to play in the moonlight and teach me a lesson.  My dark side is there and as long as I accept it, own it and recognize it for what/who it is then all is well.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The power of the pen and Goth chicks...

Something funny happened whilst standing around with my friends that got me thinking.

Jules is a very dear friend of mine. She is tall - very tall - with black hair, a very large bust and facial piercings that would make you think she fell face first in a tackle box.  At first glance she would make a stranger come to some alarming conclusions.

We were standing in a group discussing some television show and we were making predictions on next season's happenings.  It's a thing we do, standing around talking about nothing, while smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee in the morning.

Jules was adamant about a certain character doing a certain thing and she exclaimed, "If they don't do that, I will be so angry! So angry I'll write letters!"

And we laughed hysterically.

The funny thing wasn't that she was getting so bent out of shape about the television show but that her plan of action was to "write letters".  See, most people would assume that Jules first plan of action would be to disembowel someone and roll around in their entrails.  But no - she was going to write letters.

Later (after the laughter faded) I got to thinking; Is it true what they say, the pen is mightier than the sword?

I mean, let's face it, our world is ruled by the pen these days.  The avenue people use isn't exactly letters but gossip collums, fake news stories and blasting each other via Facebook/Twitter.  All of which rely on the whims of the "author". 

Words spoken can have a power all of their own too.  Even if they're not true, once uttered, the power of the words are out in the universe.  Positive words will feed positive energy and the same with the negative.  We, as a species, have evolved more than we realize.  We use manipulative words to get what we want or to make others agree with us.  Literally, we can change someone's thought process by using the right words or a particular intination.

I would like to think I am immune to this. But I'm not.  I fall prey to people in my life almost daily.  There are some poeple I know who constantly want you to be as angry and miserable as they are - so they manipulate a situation to make themselves feel better. They use their words to coorce me to agree with them.  Sometimes I fall for it other times I don't.

What I do know is that when we speak or write words we shouold be more mindfull as to what sort of energy we are putting out in the universe.  Are they words to teach, to praise or to lift someone up? Or are they words to berate, belittle or manipulate? 

The next time you speak, speak words with care.  When you write, write what is in your heart.  People are not bad by nature, I truly believe this.  So, writing from your heart should be a beautiful thing.

No matter what drives someone we should always be minful of Karma, the Rule of Three or if you're scared of those - What goes around comes around.  Any way you say it, it is the same - You get what you put in.

Make your words count.

P.S.) As of yet, Jules has not written any letters. ;-)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Welcome :-)

Well, welcome to those of you who ventured here.  This blog is both for fun and a writing tool.  As I started writing the first book in the Earth's Magick series I realized that I had too many random ideas that cluttered my mind. 

Sometimes a plot line would go awry and I would end up in left field thinking, How did I end up here? Then at other times I would have an emotional reaction (or break down) while writing and I would end up with serious writer's block.

What to do?

I decided to sift through all those ideas/thoughts/emotions and categorize them.  What I can use in the book I will.  What I can't use, or shouldn't use, will end up here.  I can't repress ideas when they take hold in my mind.  There is a reason for them to have taken hold in the first place, right? Right.

So here I am.  My writing is going well and the book is on track.  I wish I had even more time to write throughout the day but, sadly, the pesky real world gets in my way.  The dishes and the laundry don't wash themselves and I haven't perfected the art of making food appear out of thin air. Yet.